My name is Jewel. I am marvellously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation.
Today I decided that I would finally stop running away.
I don’t know who you are. And the reason you’ve chosen to follow my blog. But I promise there is a reason. Together we will discover that reason and find healing and restoration by grace.
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired. I’m tired of being that runaway kid. Sad to say, but I’ve run away for most of my life. Always shying away from things, commitment, in the fear of someone getting close to me, and inevitably hurting me. Pain has been an address I’ve been all too familiar with. So, in my defence running away has been my form of control in avoiding the pain. When you’ve come from a place of brokenness and abuse, you learn to protect yourself.
My voice was something I never liked to hear or was never encouraged to share.
It’ll be 8 years in January when I made the decision to rededicate my life to Jesus Christ. And what an interesting journey that’s been so far. I mean to tell you, it’s not like you’ve seen in the movies or even read the novels. You have to personally take that leap of faith and get it for yourself. I would be doing you a great disservice if I were to even begin to explain how it’s been for me. This by far has been the most unveiling, therapeutic, self-discoveries I’ve ever been on. I was born into a Christian family, my father was a Bishop and part of the Oral Roberts board of ministers. He loved Dr Roberts so much he named me after his daughter, Jewel. I grew up as a church kid. I didn’t know much else and Jesus would become to me as real as the friend you speak to every day. For me, he soon became my hiding place, my safe place. Abused at the hands of those who were supposed to love and take care of me, I was at a loss. Everything I knew to be true, turned out to be a tale of lies. Trust was broken, my heart was in pieces.
In the year of 1997, I gave my life to Jesus, became radical and went evangelising with great desire and zeal but no knowledge. Soon my hasty feet will eventually miss the way. I wouldn’t say I gave up, more so fell into stagnancy. The church would be my place to hang out and socialise and very soon the place where hurt would reintroduce itself. This time I put on my running shoes and ran so fast it would take over a decade for me to come back home.
One bad decision after the next I would find myself at a crossroad. 21 & chosen left holding the baby. Motherhood would be the making of me, allowing me to take ownership of my life.
We live with consequences but his grace enables us to live without shame, fear or guilt.
Today I decided to get back to journaling. I’ve kept diaries for as long as I can remember. Since I was a young girl in primary school, I’d write entries often. The writing was my happy place. The place I can pour everything on and I wouldn’t leave feeling judged. With my keyboard, I feel invincible, yet vulnerable at the same time. Deciding to blog was a whole new level of exposure. Let’s face it we live in a critical society with onlookers who would rather look for a fault to find, than applaud your courage to stand.
I knew the time would come for me to open up again. I’ve been through too much to keep my struggles and victories to myself. There is a purpose in pain, it’s a sad but true statement. It’s not to say I am incapable of being committed, more so in fear of once committed, I would lose control.
My God is not wasteful and nothing we have been through can ever be wasted. If sharing my journey helps just one person, then it’s all been worth it.