“Living in the shadow. Can you imagine what kind of life it is to live? In the shadows, people see you as happy and free, because that’s what you want them to see. Living two lives, happy but not free. You live in the shadows for fear of someone hurting your family or someone you love. The world is changing and they say it’s time to be free. But you live with the fear of just being me. Living in the shadow feels like the safe place to be. No harm to them, no harm to me. But life is short, and it’s time to be free. Love who you love, because life isn’t guaranteed.”
(A quote from a Jay Z song ‘Smile’) 4:44 album
I wrote this poem the other day whilst reflecting on my life and the getaway train that keeps on being highjacked each time I think I’m finally on my road to recovery.
As the mask slipped away for the umpteenth time I realised that It’s only Him. The Him I refer to is the one who sees me with doves eyes. The one who whispered in my soul and gracefully breaks me. As He prefers to mould me and make me. Loving all the parts of my decayed soul, resurrecting the bones I once buried, patiently pursuing me to dream again, love again and live again.
These words keep hunting me like a tiger in the wild, chasing its prey. Labour pains got me staying up in the darkest hours of the night, travailing for the baby to be pushed out. Looking around me I see none but one midwife. Unequipped and inadequately trained she does her best to encourage me, ‘breathe jewel’ just keep breathing. Each contraction would have me screaming all kinds of pain.
Connections have been and will continue to be the difference maker for us to find true freedom in our self-worth, networking our net worth, sleeping with predators and fighting demons to be set free from their mousetrap.
How so quickly we are to tweet a thought, instead-snap a moment, go live on Facebook, for the self-gratification of a like, a follow a quick thrill. But never giving little time or thought of Elohim. It’s only Him; the only one who truly cares and wants the very best for us. But being blind would have us living a lie tapered in false glitter and Judas kisses. Do me a favour and look around you, everything you see in this life is meaningless.
On this journey I’ve found myself falling and have fallen from numerous towers, climbing cooperate ladders only to find myself back in the hands of masters who use their powers to reinforce their vision. Even the television, is selling their vision. Preying down on our insecurities and a false sense of security. Living this lie, with truth buried deep inside of me, us, and them.
Passing down knowledge undigested is like forcing out food from the rear when it hasn’t even been given the chance to flow through the stomach.
I’m in a place of uncertainty for the first time in a very long time. There are things I would like to share with you but right now, I am struggling myself to come to terms with the realities of the struggles I am currently experiencing. I keep on asking these questions on a daily basis. “Jewel, how long will you remain fallen, bruised, broken and scarred.”
Everyday allowing myself to encounter some home truths. Each time fear reappears its ugly head I have two choices to make. For as long as I continue to remain stagnant in any given situation I allow fear to win. Truth is when I am no longer afraid, then I will face up to the truth. Stepping up to the unknown, reapplying for the role that only I can play out in this lifetime. Allowing someone to see me again, and sharing all of my fragilities without the cover-up of my mask. Suddenly, it would appear that my eyes of understanding are finally peeling apart the glue that once held it shut together.
I can, I will and I am on my journey as so are you.