The Pain of Regret

My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? John 14:2

 

My best friend died…

Did he even know he was my best friend? 

Crazy how death  will cause you to sober up. These past few years have been the toughest. Losing loved ones, like flies on a hot day. Each death leaving you in state of numbness but knowing life must go on.

My best friend died. The hardest part of all, I never got the chance to say goodbye.

 

We had lost contact for a few years or so. I can’t even begin to tell you I know the reason why.

Life.

He was busy, I was busy.

Time flew by.

I still remember the first day I laid eyes on him. Yes, you could say it was instant. My attraction towards him was unquestionable. It would be the craziest whirlwind, of friendship and frolics to take place at our shared house at university.

Year 2000 the year I would meet my tall, cinnamon handsome-african prince. I  knew instantly that I liked him, and as time went on we fast became close. My regrets are that I played too many games. Afraid of commitment, I told too many lies.

Anything to push away the prospect of something deep and perhaps meaningful. I didn’t mind sleeping with him, but giving my heart would be something far too expensive. He soon became my safe place. We shared so many secrets and in my lowest moments he was always there for me.

I knew he was sick from the fist time we had met. He told me he suffered from sickle-cell, lupus to name a few. But man, was he ever the soul of a party. Never did I see this guy down in the dumps about life. Every so often, he would become frustrated and rightly so. His health was important to me and I recall the many hours spent with him in hospital after a crisis. I never got scared about the possibility of him dying to be honest. Death was far away from my thoughts of him in those early days.  Never thought i’d see the dash between his birth. Never knew how soon that time would come. Somehow I always thought  i’d have forever with him. That perhaps one day, I’ll fix up and maybe one day, just one day I’ll wear his last name.

The pain of regret is one of the hardest things we will ever endure in this life time. The numerous questions rolling around in our thoughts about what we could’ve done better, had we known. 

Truth is, I didn’t know. If I had known I would’ve told him how much he truly meant to me. I would’ve chosen to spend our time together  better, and stopped playing so many mind games. I might’ve forgiven quicker the things he’d do that would cause us to fall out for days, or weeks and now what would become a lifetime.

Finding out he died, was a huge shock to my system. For weeks I struggled to sleep, to eat and basically continue a normal life. He was everywhere I went, convinced he was finding me to say his goodbyes. I saw him at every bus station, restaurant, and road…

Just the other day  I decided to call his number. I rang a phone number I knew no longer was in service. As I looked down at the number in desperation to hear his voice, just once. I knew. It was then it had hit home. Screaming aloud his name, but no one answered. Why didn’t he answer me, didn’t he know I would be calling. Some days are better than others, but one thing for sure is that loosing someone who you never had the opportunity to say goodbye to, is the most painful of all.  Truth is, we suffer this regret because of the wasted opportunities we had but never made good use of.

You see, he was my best friend. You don’t know how furious writing that makes me feel, right now. How can someone be your best friend, someone you spent so much time with  yet remained hidden from. How could he have been my safe place? Why didn’t I take off the  mask and reveal my true self? Why did I not share the things that truly mattered; what was I really afraid of anyhow? Seriously, how could I have allowed time to come between us. Didnt time know that I was busy. It was never supposed to be that long. We would’ve spoken again. In fact we did; a month before he died. We got back in touch. We were meant to meet up for lunch. I called him, he never answered. It troubled me that he never answered, afraid of invading his new-found love, I chose to step back.

Oh how I regret that decision.

He  was that friend that would call me and stay on the phone with me until the early hours of the morning, most calls would have us both asleep on the other end. He was that friend that I could confide in, and tell almost anything to. He kept my mind from running away from itself when I became pregnant at uni. When everyone else disappeared, he proved to me that he was that friend who would never leave me, nor forsake me. He was my Emmanuel (that was his name) he was always there.

I made some terrible choices. Choices I would forever live with, and choices I am not at all proud off.

But not once did he judge me, or ever made me  to feel worthless. Throughout my pregnancy, he was there.  He showed me grace, and although the baby wasn’t his, that made no difference to the wealth of support he gave to me.

I remember the one time we finally decided to give ‘us’ a chance. It didn’t last long. Being his girlfriend petrified me to say the least. I definitely knew I wasn’t mature enough to be anyones’ girlfriend. I was way too messed up to be in a meaningful relationship.

Heck, if I couldn’t even stay faithful to Jesus; the likelihood of staying faithful to anyone was a slim chance. In those days sex was my weapon of defence, my escape and crazy as it sounds my control mechanism. I needed the comfort of being close to someone but never really being close enough to give them the parts of me that were vulnerable. Lost and hurting, I would make up lies that would soon break up apart.  He deserved better than me, I was broken goods. Fit for no use, I had no business being united with anyone in a deeper way.

 

 

What would life had been like if I was just honest with him about who I really was, a broken girl running away to university to escape the realities of life.

She was incapable of love, incapable to give love. She never knew who she was or the worth she carried.

Man I MISS HIM!

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I pray that he is smiling down at me; proud of the woman I have grown into becoming. These days I live with him in mind. Him and the many others I no longer have the privilege of saying I love you to. That’s why I live my best life, on purpose and without regret or fear of others and their opinions. You see, he taught me how not to give a monkeys about what others thought about him, he spoke his mind and lived passionately.

Please don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone just how much they mean to you.

Learn to forgive quickly

Love deeply

and at all times live authentically. 

 

My greatest recompense is that there is heaven, and that one day we will see each other again.

“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14:1,2

It’s kind of hard wit you not around

Know you in heaven smilin’ down

Watchin’ us while we pray for you

Everyday we pray for you

Till the day we meet again

In my heart is where I’ll keep you friend

Memories give me the strength I need to proceed

Strength I need to believe

My thoughts big I just can’t define

Wish I could turn back the hands of time

Us in luton

Shop for new clothes and kicks

You and me getting Tatts

Talkin all hours on the phone

Still can’t believe you’re gone

Give anything to hear half your breath

I know you still livin’ your life after death

(I’ll be missing you) -added my own lyrics to it

Signed,

No more regrets