It’s that time of the month when I gather my thoughts and share with you all the lessons I’ve learned on my journey to wholeness.
Where do I even begin? This entry had me clenching the pen tighter than usual. I’m certain that it will resonate with you.
Learn your patterns
People can be cruel. Those you choose to join yourself with can hurt you because you have given them the permission to do so. Learning to wait on God’s perfect timing is an ongoing art I’m still practising and not yet perfected as I walk this journey. Recently I found myself in an all too familiar place, drowning in my tears, wondering where it all went wrong and convinced it was the signs that were wrong and not me. I’m all cut up inside with perfectly drawn eyebrows and false lashes to hide away the pain. You are told by everyone what a beautiful smile you wear as you display a fixed grin to persuade the world that you are fine, and that everything is ok. When in actuality you want so badly for the sun to stand still. Wont He do it? For me. Could he? These thoughts raced through my mind as I was reminded that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You cannot drink poison and expect to live, surely! When a snake leaves a venomous bite you better make sure that venom does not spread otherwise you will not live to tell your story.
Gracefully broken I live and I’m still here to tell my story.
The toxic patterns of my decisions have me wondering why I always foster the behaviour of the care giver in my relationships. Why do I always want so badly to ‘make everything better’ for those in my life? I’ve always been this way since childhood. And each attempt of playing nurse has left me badly scarred and wounded. I think sometimes we think if we can make all the pain go away for those we love then we would not be required to walk the experience with them. Well, that’s always been my reason. But the longer I live I realise its never that simple. Truth is, I’ve had to learn that “I’m not their God” and interfering with Gods plan will always fail.
Staycation with God & Black Panther the movie
This past week I went into one of my staycations. Just me and God. I didn’t answer the phone to anyone. I went for a meal just the two of us, we went for walks, I talked. I was certain He also talked but I was just happy to be, alone, with him. Yesterday we went for a movie date. He is ever the gentleman and I watched Black Panther – Wakanda forever. Great movie! It was so worth it, more importantly being alone with Him felt just like old times. Honestly, I can’t even tell you what this week has been for me. I walked away from something toxic recently. It wasn’t easy to say to least, it never is where the heart is concerned. Right now i’m letting healing take place as I allow Him to gracefully break me into the woman I know I was born to become. She truly is kicking and screaming before her final unveiling. I want to speak to that one person who may relate to what I’m sharing in this blog.
Perhaps you feel like your life is spiralling out of control. Maybe you’ve made one too many wrong choices and you feel its too late to turn around. I really want to encourage and challenge you to expose your bites, the real ones. The not so pretty ones, with no snap chat filter, airbrush, or fade effects. Before God, and not man.
How do we allow the air to heal the wound when we choose to keep it concealed?
A wounded soldier will always have both physical and emotional scars. But once I got a better understanding of God and His way of doing things I became a better fighter, through resting in His promises. Once I got hold of my spiritual positioning I realised in the end, I will always win in this life. And you my friend, will also. Listen, you and I have to become ruthless when dealing with unwanted life bites. We’ve all at some point in our journey experienced a few bites that we simply feel we can never reveal to the world, afraid that not everyone may not know how to receive us. Truth is, by allowing ourselves to embrace that our story ends well we are able to handle better the momentary afflictions that life present. At the worse of times, we can only see with our eyes the relationship that we invested time into. We cannot see the promise behind the pain. I won’t lie to you, even recently I had to remind myself that there is a greater plan than the one I see with my natural eyes. Its get real sometimes but faith tells me I can hope for things I have not seen with my eyes. The pain is real and it can feel that no one sees you and or understands the insecurities that we’ve mastered so well. But let me tell you God is the one person we cannot hide anything from. If you’ve ever been bitten and would like to be healed I suggest you ask to receive Gods healing balm. Do not make the mistakes I made for so many years. I must confess playing a junior nurse was my degree from a young age, and I had a masters in covering up my pain with as much plaster and bandage in the desperate hope that no one would see the leakage of my dysfunction. What you need to realise is that for as long as we remain completely concealed we allow the pain to eat away and gradually destroy us from the inside causing a soul erosion because the pain was not given to breathing.
In preparation for this blog, I studied different definitions for air and what it means to me in the metaphorical sense. For me air has always been God. Life personified, not only did He breathe life into our nostrils that we may come to live and have our being but daily pours life into our existence through his living breathing word. I was never into the science of chemistry but the air has always astonished me as a little girl, and even today I am left dumbfounded that an invisible substance surrounding the earth, can give life to billions on a daily basis by a simple mixture of mainly oxygen and nitrogen.
Of course, I’m by no means trying to equate God in simple terms by concluding His essence as simply air. But I’m sure that you understand my use of the analogy. I wish I could describe Him to you.
He’s indescribable! He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistible. You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive Him, and you can’t live without Him.
-That’s My King
Dr S M Lockeridge
The wrong love can be cruel, this I’ve learned. The right love that being Gods love is a sweet fragrance. It will taste of goodness and bring peace unshakeable. How do I know this you wonder? Because I’ve tested the love that God has for me. And my prayer is that I will find that kind of love in Gods timing and not my own. Otherwise, I will continue to invite unwarranted bites from another man other than my purpose mate.
Real, life, bites is a true lesson I’ve learned more than once. And no doubt I’ll have another test presented to me again. I intend to pass the next test and I hope my story will encourage you to pass when presented with yours.
I would love to hear your feedback and if you’ve experienced anything similar to what has been shared in this post please feel free to share, it may help someone else.
Taking off another layer