love bite

Hey friends,

It’s that time of the month when I gather my thoughts and share with you all the lessons I’ve learned on my journey to wholeness.

Where do I even begin? This entry had me clenching the pen tighter than usual. I’m certain that it will resonate with you.

Learn your patterns

People can be cruel. Those you choose to join yourself with can hurt you because you have given them the permission to do so. Learning to wait on God’s perfect timing is an ongoing art I’m still practising and not yet perfected as I walk this journey. Recently I found myself in an all too familiar place, drowning in my tears, wondering where it all went wrong and convinced it was the signs that were wrong and not me. I’m all cut up inside with perfectly drawn eyebrows and false lashes to hide away the pain. You are told by everyone what a beautiful smile you wear as you display a fixed grin to persuade the world that you are fine, and that everything is ok. When in actuality you want so badly for the sun to stand still. Wont He do it? For me. Could he? These thoughts raced through my mind as I was reminded that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You cannot drink poison and expect to live, surely! When a snake leaves a venomous bite you better make sure that venom does not spread otherwise you will not live to tell your story.

Gracefully broken I live and I’m still here to tell my story.

The toxic patterns of my decisions have me wondering why I always foster the behaviour of the care giver in my relationships. Why do I always want so badly to ‘make everything better’ for those in my life? I’ve always been this way since childhood. And each attempt of playing nurse has left me badly scarred and wounded. I think sometimes we think if we can make all the pain go away for those we love then we would not be required to walk the experience with them. Well, that’s always been my reason. But the longer I live I realise its never that simple. Truth is, I’ve had to learn that “I’m not their God” and interfering with Gods plan will always fail.

Staycation with God & Black Panther the movie

This past week I went into one of my staycations. Just me and God. I didn’t answer the phone to anyone. I went for a meal just the two of us, we went for walks, I talked. I was certain He also talked but I was just happy to be, alone, with him. Yesterday we went for a movie date. He is ever the gentleman and I watched Black Panther – Wakanda forever. Great movie! It was so worth it, more importantly being alone with Him felt just like old times. Honestly, I can’t even tell you what this week has been for me.  I walked away from something toxic recently. It wasn’t easy to say to least, it never is where the heart is concerned. Right now i’m letting healing take place as I allow Him to gracefully break me into the woman I know I was born to become. She truly is kicking and screaming before her final unveiling.  I want to speak to that one person who may relate to what I’m sharing in this blog.

Perhaps you feel like your life is spiralling out of control. Maybe you’ve made one too many wrong choices and you feel its too late to turn around. I really want to encourage and challenge you to expose your bites, the real ones. The not so pretty ones, with no snap chat filter, airbrush, or fade effects. Before God, and not man.

How do we allow the air to heal the wound when we choose to keep it concealed?

A wounded soldier will always have both physical and emotional scars. But once I got a better understanding of God and His way of doing things I became a better fighter, through resting in His promises. Once I got hold of my spiritual positioning I realised in the end, I will always win in this life. And you my friend, will also. Listen, you and I have to become ruthless when dealing with unwanted life bites. We’ve all at some point in our journey experienced a few bites that we simply  feel we can never reveal to the world, afraid that not everyone may not know how to receive us. Truth is, by allowing ourselves to embrace that our story ends well we are able to handle better the momentary afflictions that life present. At the worse of times, we can only see with our eyes the relationship that we invested time into. We cannot see the promise behind the pain.  I won’t lie to you, even recently I had to remind myself that there is a greater plan than the one I see with my natural eyes. Its get real sometimes but faith tells me I can hope for things I have not seen with my eyes. The pain is real and it can feel that no one sees you and or understands the insecurities that we’ve  mastered so well. But let me tell you God is the one person we cannot hide anything from. If you’ve ever been bitten and would like to be healed I suggest you ask to receive Gods healing balm. Do not make the mistakes I made for so many years. I must confess playing a junior nurse was my degree from a young age, and I had a masters in covering up my pain with as much plaster and bandage in the desperate hope that no one would see the leakage of my dysfunction. What you need to realise is that for as long as we remain completely concealed we allow the pain to eat away and gradually destroy us from the inside causing a soul erosion because the pain was not given to breathing.

The God-Difference 

In preparation for this blog, I studied different definitions for air and what it means to me in the metaphorical sense. For me air has always been God. Life personified, not only did He breathe life into our nostrils that we may come to live and have our being but daily pours life into our existence through his living breathing word. I was never into the science of chemistry but the air has always astonished me as a little girl, and even today I am left dumbfounded that an invisible substance surrounding the earth, can give life to billions on a daily basis by a simple mixture of mainly oxygen and nitrogen.

Of course, I’m by no means trying to equate God in simple terms by concluding His essence as simply air. But I’m sure that you understand my use of the analogy. I wish I could describe Him to you.

He’s indescribable! He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistible. You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive Him, and you can’t live without Him.

-That’s My King

Dr S M Lockeridge

The wrong love can be cruel, this I’ve learned. The right love that being Gods love is a sweet fragrance. It will taste of goodness and bring peace unshakeable. How do I know this you wonder? Because I’ve tested the love that God has for me. And my prayer is that I will find that kind of love in Gods timing and not my own. Otherwise, I will continue to invite unwarranted bites from another man other than my purpose mate.

Real, life, bites is a true lesson I’ve learned more than once. And no doubt I’ll have another test presented to me again. I intend to pass the next test and I hope my story will encourage you to pass when presented with yours.

I would love to hear your feedback and if you’ve experienced anything similar to what has been shared in this post please feel free to share, it may help someone else.

Signed,

Jewel ❤️

Taking off another layer

Advertisements

Celebrate good times come on

Hello everybody!

In every dream journey, there are Ebenezer moments. You’ve got to celebrate those milestones by building altars. Then you’ve got to surround yourself with those life symbols so you don’t forget what God wants you to remember.

img_3948
Smiles around the table will forever be on the altar of celebration

I don’t believe that our greatest shortcoming is not feeling bad enough about what we’ve done wrong. I think our greatest shortcoming is not feeling good enough about what God has done right. When we under-celebrate, we fall short of the glory of God

  • We need to celebrate more.
  • We need to celebrate better.

IMG_0474

Why? Why not? March was FULL. What with the snow, the commute, work commitments I can’t even make excuses besides the truth that March came and it wasn’t playing, it required my full attention and then some!

Overall it was a good month with new challenges but of course victories. Can we give me a high five for finally catching up to season7 of Sandal (hides face in shame), the way my life is set up I’m so proud of myself for even finding the time to catch up, but what is going on with Cyrus Bean? Also, on my list of accomplishments is successfully executing a date with moi. Oh, and did I mention it was dinner in a 5-star restaurant alone savouring on a three course meal. No rush service, I took my time, dressed to impress (myself) and yes if I do say so I looked good and company wasn’t too bad. It even scored a movie afterwards. Nice going for a first date. Last and certainly not least I have recently booked a getaway for one. No not a retreat that’d be too easy. I’ll share soon. I have a thing about not disclosing destinations until one has been and gone.

Life will teach you even in this ’free’ world that freedom costs.

img_2056
My beautiful sister turns 40, celebrating her life to the fullest.

I got thinking today, as you do. Does life really begin at 40? And if so, do you know what type of life you’d like to have considering you would’ve already been alive for 4 decades? Hmm thats one to chew and ponder on.

As a new decade beckons I’ve been reflecting on life, my life, the meaning of life, our choices and decisions we make that show us how we value life and what it costs.

Question:

  • Is it truly free?
  • Is life truly free?

I mean really lets think for second. So you’re free to live the life you choose; debatable. Call me deep, better still come with me and lets go deeper as I reflect on the fact that life, mine and yours was paid for by blood. Blood that came with a price of a man( I call him Jesus) who freely chose to die for you, and me. And guess why? So that we might have eternal life to live in abundance to the full until it overflows. That sounds to me like the ransom was paid for me to live a life worthy of celebration. Have we become a society of people where we chip at everything unaccomplished instead of celebrate the things attempted?

No more chains, so long shackles.

Who Am I to stand in the way of a blood bought life? I refuse to wait until 40 to say life begins, for me life began the day I met the truth. I hope you will meet with the truth soon.

Until next time, please enjoy your God given life and be sure to celebrate every milestone, big or small. After all it’s your blood bought right do so. Tell me what you think. I want to hear from you.

I am on this journey to live, embrace and expose truth to one person @ a time.

Love

Jewel x

#Life Goals

IMG_2377
Skiing trip (Living vicariously through the lens of my son) #lifegoals

#lifegoals is trending. Life is happening right this minute whether we choose to actively participate or not. 

Well, I certainly hope that you are having a great day today.

It is an honour to be back to continue on our journey. It’s only the second-month of 2018 and I know many of you have made resolutions I prefer to call (goals) that really are going to make a difference in our lives. 

To be resolved for me means simply choosing and sticking to a cause of action by goal setting for your life that you plan to stick by.

IMG_2786
Surprisingly Satisfied 

Welcome to my ”Season of being surprisingly satisfied”. This year I’ve chosen to be a refreshing fountain of living water. I’ve decided to walk this purpose out being intentionally content regardless and irrespective of my current circumstance. And let me tell you, 2018 came for your girl. It’s a war outchea but I’m still standing. 💁🏾‍♀️ I’ve realised that in order for me to successfully stay on course and remain content I must first embrace my authentic self. If you read my blogs you know I write often on my need for choosing to live life authentically.

This entry is basically an encouragement to you (and me) don’t get it twisted every time I share something there’s a message in it for me also. Somehow God always decides to change the direction of my entries as it materialise. If you have started 2018 with the greatest of intentions only to plateau at the first hurdle. Trust me I have been there many times in the past and it can only get better from here. 

Let me encourage you today to give yourself a break, a hug and to tell yourself ”self we will go again” quitting is not an option, a decision I made a long time ago when life was challenging me at every corner. 

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.  

Martin Luther King, Jr

Find the thing that brings you joy. Only you can figure that out so get to discover. For me, it’s alone time. I take retreats often and cherish my coffee mornings in the early hours when mostly everyone is still asleep to just think and hear myself speak out loud. I also find journaling daily is great for me to process my thoughts. It’s crazy how many people choose to share blogs with the world but never take inventory of their own private thoughts by simply cultivating the discipline to journal daily. (Not throwing shade, opinion not fact). Journaling for me is one of the greatest tools I have adopted since teenage years. Not only does it help me to reflect, refuel and rebalance my mind and emotions amazingly it leaves me fully recharged and empowered. After several of these journaling sessions with God, I have found that this place is my most authentic and truest in finding and hearing my voice. I call it my place of unshakeable peace and I encourage you to cultivate the same for yourself this year. 

IMG_2403
My then 9-year-old son building his life with vision. (He will be 16 this year) I can’t tell you how incredibly proud I am of the man he is becoming as he chooses to live his best life. 

Being a healthier version of myself is one of my main goals this year. And I believe if I’m a healthy mom, a healthy daughter, sister and friend I’m being authentic to those around me and therefore a more valuable gift to all and myself. Let’s be honest you are better sound and whole than you are fragmented and chaotic. You will find that those goals (resolutions) become easier to tackle and stick to over a cause of time once you’ve allowed and given yourself permission to clear the clutter and set out your life goals.  

I understand that every season is different and right now you may be reading this thinking what if I can’t meet my goals this year? Friend, rest in God’s sovereignty. The amazing work He started in you, He will finish. Life might not be happening the way you expected in 2018. Circumstances might not be what you envisioned when you pictured your life years ago, but trust Him in the process. This year alone I’m being challenged to trust God more than ever before for what His best is compared to my mediocre that if I had my way would run ahead with. Literally 6 days into this new year I had to witness the man I love get dealt some losing cards and for sure I could’ve sworn the hand that dealt them forgot to include in the deck the winning suits. All I could see was a pack of jokers with every shuffle. As we go through a terrifying and frustrating time I am reminded of my inability of not being able to ‘fix it’and my dependency on my God who He is ultimately the only one that can ‘fix everything’. Isn’t it like God to have me in a season where I find myself surprisingly satisfied and yet facing some of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to face in my life thus far. I guess truth be told my position is not based on the circumstances that surround me rather my surrender in Him.

IMG_1754
Couldn’t pass on a perfect opportunity to take a picture with our favourite ride. Clearly, car is not ours we stay daydreaming #lifegoals

So often we think the impossible before we even contemplate our own possibilities or the power that lies within. For me, it is the ultimate surrender of relinquishing all of my wants and desires in exchange for His ultimate best.  We don’t have to live this life alone and that is always a great encouragement.  He is working, even when you don’t see Him or feel Him. He will complete what He began in you. He will equip you for the task and see you through. Your job is to abide in Him and leave the results in His hands.

Don’t disappear when the “work” of your life isn’t turning out as you had expected. God’s not done with you yet!

Love  Jewel xx

Please feel free to share and comment, your feedbacks are warmly welcomed. I’m still finding my way. 

🎇🎇🎇Happy 2018!!!🎆🎆🎆

Day 31! The last day of 2017 😊🙏🏾❤️ thank you, thank you, thank you!!! My heart is so full of gratitude.

I am truly blessed to see this day! The bible says to the living there is hope.

Every day my prayer is, ‘Lord help me not waste another moment with breath in my lungs. Help me to always rejoice and be glad that each new day marks the victory over the enemies over my life. For every scheme and plan that was waged in 2017 but never succeeded – I rejoice!!!’

Today for me is a day of jubilation. For me, it’s that time of reflection and reverence to my Lord and King. For He indeed is victorious and has given me victory over every corrupt plan the enemy has plotted this year in mine and my family’s lives.

As I paint my nails and sip on this glass of merlot, with some of my fav tunes playing in the background. I am reminded to thoroughly enjoy these last few hours of 2017. There will never again in history be 31/12/2017!

This coming 2018, I embrace newness, the birth of new beginnings! I am super pumped for what this new year holds.

For so many people new year brings with it so many regrets. But I say to regret what’s in the past, especially things out of your control is meaningless. Instead, allow the new year to be that platform to revisit and start again despite the many failed attempts. Allow this new year to be one of many where you learn to say yes to the courage and no to fear!

Allow 2018 to be your banner year!

I’m so honoured to be alive and thrilled to walk into another year.

May the next 12 months of this new year be spent with the most intentionality than any of the other years combined.

Guys/gals I did it!!! Thank you for following my journey.

I hope 2018 will be the year I find my voice and throw away the muzzle! I hope to share with you my fun side. She’s there somewhere… 🤦🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️Love Jewel 💓💓

She

Firstly I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has liked my posts and followed my blog. I know I don’t blog that often, but I’m super proud of myself for sticking it with it this year. 2017 has been my best year of maintaining some consistency. I can only hope that 2018 is even better, and more importantly, now that I’ve found my voice and courage to be bold to pursue more entries and connect with you on a deeper level It should be so much easier not to become daunted by this process. But I’m so thankful that irrespective of how many people have liked my posts or even followed my blog, I’m reminded to never lose sight of the main thing. The purpose, the reason behind the why, and the motivation in spite of my many hangups and self-criticism; is healing. Mine and yours, through my journey to discovery. Finding my distinctive voice in the midst of all the other voices haven’t always been an easy affair. The truth is I have to remind myself at all times to be the voice, the authentic sound that I would’ve liked to hear when I was going through my dark days. I can honestly say that connecting with real people who weren’t afraid to take off their masks and show me their scars was when the real therapy began for me. It made me feel as though I weren’t alone in my struggle. That somehow we all had hidden scars and together we could help one and other heal better if only we would be brave enough to bear all.

My goal is simply to do the same. I wear my scars without masks, and as vulnerable as that may be at the best of times, it really is the only way I can help bring some healing to the broken-hearted. In my real and tangible way. Yes, I am a Christian!!! I know these days it’s frowned upon, especially in the self-help category. But honestly as someone who loves self-help books and is a strong believer in thinking ‘yourself into a better place’ there is no way, absolutely none that I could have a blog on restoration and leave God and His word out of my story. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying for a second that being a Christian has made my healing an instant one. Far from it. Perhaps in your journey, you can also relate. And even with God in my story, I have to tell you that there are no microwave miracles. If you would please allow me the privilege of invading your island on my birthday as I allowed mine to be invaded several years ago. I would love to share a few truths with you today. 37 and finally I’m regaining sobriety, this life is a journey. You’ll soon realise once you stop trying to figure it all out.

YOU IS SMART, YOU IS KIND, YOU IS IMPORTANT…

You have NO idea how many times I’ve needed to repeat these words to myself. Or the number of times I have sobbed uncontrollably because of the lies that held my mind hostage. Brick by brick you can be put back together again. It’s not a quick process I’ll have you know. 9 years and counting I’m still on the potter’s wheel. Honestly, I don’t think you ever come off, sorry to be a bearer of bad news. But wouldn’t you rather be spoken to in truth, than have a pack of lies written to you only to deceive you even more?

If you’re anything like I was, truth soon becomes a desperate friend. I could no longer ingest, nor digest any more lies. There comes a point in every journey when we stop and say NO MORE! My no more came on a day similar to today, a day of what should’ve been a celebration instead became a doomsday. But one thing I learned from that memory wasn’t the pain of being knocked out in a fight but rather the joy of coming back for another round. Armed with new techniques and a better insight into my opponent’s fight. I celebrate my birthday standing firm, with the belt of truth buckled around my waist.

Recently someone I refer to as my stranger neighbour reminded me that nothing is ever wasted. If ever a truer word was spoken that was it.

At 37 she looked in the mirror and starred for quite some time. Inspecting every flaw and freckle. It didn’t even take her long before these three words came out of her mouth.’I LOVE YOU’.

She looks at the future, with a smile on her face, tears of joy streaming down her face, a glow that can only come from knowing her worth, shoulders back and head held high. She is becoming…

Today I celebrate growth.

My growth and I want you to celebrate yours also. 

When was the last time you took a good look in the mirror, just you, alone with no one present? And told yourself, I LOVE YOU!!!

Be honest with yourself. Ok, if you’re having to ponder too long, then do it right now.

Go on… I dare you to say… 

‘I LOVE YOU’

You are a masterpiece.

You are handcrafted.

You are unique.

One of a kind.

❤️️Signed, Free to be me (Happy birthday to me) 🤗

Chosen

img_0544Hey Moms,

Age 21 and chosen,

‘Yikes, tomorrow my son turns 15’. To God be the glory…

This life can have you twisted, and learning to unknot is a skill worth pursuing. In this post I share with you the unknotting secrets as a young mom, attempting to raise a modern day knight, in today’s generation. Even in the midst of battles.

It’s not how you start, heck even the knockouts don’t count. Have you ever watched a boxing match? Sometimes I’ve been convinced that the guy who got punched the most, was indeed the one who’d lose the fight. Numerous times we come to realise that it was never the blows he fell from that kept him from loosing. It was his resilience not to stay knocked down, and get back up. This has been my question to me for countless years. ‘Jewel, can you get back up! Stronger than before’?

I love being a Mom. Seriously, I can’t think of any other role better suited for me other than being a parent. I’m grateful that God chose us for each other. If honoured with the choice to make, biasly, in the world of one being born every minute, I’d chose my son, without pause or hesitation.

My exposure to parenting wasn’t the most ideal. Discovering I was pregnant was pure comedy to me. It was then I knew this God has a sense of humour. The scripture that God would choose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise suddenly made sense to me. Looking back now I see why he did that. I could never take credit for the baby I once cradled into a boy and the boy who is being shaped into a man today.

Clearly, I was to be tested as rain decided to poo over my fairytale story. Oops, we’ve hit a wall. Hands down, this was a bad crash, a wreck that I was so convinced at one stage would have no survivors. And if anyone was to survive we would’ve lost a lot of precious money can’t buy moments that time was evidently determined to rob from us.

Counting the grey hairs, and sipping into a cup of chai latte, I sobbed uncontrollably at the fear of losing my adorable son to this world and its ideologies. I watched our relationship become knotted right before my eyes and could do nothing to unknot it, at the time.

Truth, my childhood was crap. Perhaps you could relate, not be trying to paint a sob story but it was what it was, nothing more or less. Growing up I was taught a child was to not be seen, and certainly not be heard.

Put the light on, I can’t see in the dark!

The longer I get to live, the clearer I see things. I have come to realise that love is so much more than words. In the trenches it requires grit, the tenacity to never give up. The willingness to go again. True living is you waking up and making the decision to make every day count. I’ve learned to understand my losses, and deciphering that losing is sometimes winning, and not all wins are good.

As my son’s earthly parent, I believe that it is my job to make sure that I choose our battles wisely. I recall so many wasted days of our precious time on pointless arguments that now in hindsight were meaningless.  I have learned to be quick at saying sorry, and meaning it while teaching my son to never go to bed angry with me or himself.

In the chaos and confusion of this unpredictable journey called teenager life I have come to a conclusion that God is not wasteful and with him, nothing is ever wasted.

It is believed that breastfeeding helps mothers to bond with babies because it releases the ‘love’ hormone. Scientists have discovered the secret behind how breastfeeding helps mothers bond with their babies, that the release of a chemical in massive surges helps to enhance a mother’s feelings of trust, love and affection to the baby.

Whether this be true or not, I would like to hope that the three years of breastfeeding has contributed somewhat to our bond, that is (unbreakable).

According to the book of Proverbs, it talks about training up a child in the way he should grow. And when he is old he will not depart from it. I do believe this to be true. Life experiences have taught me that whatsoever we sow, we will eventually reap. I see this to be also true in the parent and child dynamic. As parents, we have the awesome privilege of being the primary teachers to our children’s’ early childhood development. If we get this right, we have the power to shape their young minds into something brilliant. My only regret is how late I came to discover this truth.

Parents, we are under-shepherds sent out on assignment by the ultimate father. He holds the blueprint of all our lives and somewhere in his marvellous plans for mankind, he saw you and me, raising up the future generation.
How often I lay awake, full of gratitude that he entrusted me with such an overwhelming gift. For this, I am eternally grateful. It’s not rocket science that this is something we cannot do alone. I don’t know about you but without the grace of God, there’s no way I could attempt this assignment called motherhood.

Hello, God you know this is a human life you’ve entrusted me with, right?

I am my son’s teacher and also his student. A good teacher must also be teachable.  ‘No dream is too huge was one of my favourite things to implement in our space, a place where whatever dreams, goals, ideas my son would play out for my ears to hear, my mouth would be in agreement with him.

Parenting from my broken places has brought its own demons along the way.  I’ve made mistakes and repeated actions that I never imagined in my life I would’ve made. But giving myself permission to be human and asking for forgiveness from God firstly, my son and in my opinion more importantly myself. It is true that we are harder on ourselves than others are on us. So teaching myself the importance of truly letting go, and counting losses as wins have been a major game changer for my parenting journey.

Routine for me has been the hardest thing to protect. If I’m honest consistently making sure we protect our date nights, and coffee mornings are perhaps the hardest. With work, school, church and activities in-between. You soon come to realise that time is disrespectful. You will find the older your kids get, the more on purpose you will have to be in maintaining consistency with your families schedule. Sometimes we have to tweak plans as seasons change, be ever ready! Some of our best dates have been the random last minute ones.

Becoming my child’s friend was never my plan but having him respect me and have reverence for me as his leader, under God, has and always and will be my main priority. Gaining a friend along the way, is just Gods unmerited favour, doing what he does best.

img_2212 Date at the Shard

We were chosen and have the pleasure to work alongside the architect. And as his vision becomes clearer to us, we can begin to see the picture unveiling with each stone that is laid. The foundation stages are the longest, and that’s why even after 15 years, I would say I am still at below ground work. It may seem like a never-ending stage but trust the process. It is at this level that if you endure, you will develop strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope that will never disappoint usbecause God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. I may be young, but I’ve come to the conclusion that God makes no mistakes. I was chosen for such a task, and so were you.

Parents, of all ages but especially to those raising teenagers, hang in there. The season may seem like it’s never going to change. But it does. No storm lasts forever. The joy of winter is that springtime is right behind it. Parenting a teenager is challenging because right before your eyes, the ‘baby’ you once knew, is no longer a baby but a grown adult.

Thanks for following my journey and reading. Please feel free to like, comment or share. Any questions you’d like to ask please feel free to do so. I look forward to walking with and unveiling more to you.

Signed,

A mother’s heart

Blind living

“Living in the shadow. Can you imagine what kind of life it is to live? In the shadows, people see you as happy and free, because that’s what you want them to see. Living two lives, happy but not free. You live in the shadows for fear of someone hurting your family or someone you love. The world is changing and they say it’s time to be free. But you live with the fear of just being me. Living in the shadow feels like the safe place to be. No harm to them, no harm to me. But life is short, and it’s time to be free. Love who you love, because life isn’t guaranteed.”

(A quote from a Jay Z song ‘Smile’) 4:44 album

I wrote this poem the other day whilst reflecting on my life and the getaway train that keeps on being highjacked each time I think I’m finally on my road to recovery.

Blind Living 

As the mask slipped away for the umpteenth time I realised that It’s only Him. The Him I refer to is the one who sees me with doves eyes. The one who whispered in my soul and gracefully breaks me. As He prefers to mould me and make me. Loving all the parts of my decayed soul, resurrecting the bones I once buried, patiently pursuing me to dream again, love again and live again

These words keep hunting me like a tiger in the wild, chasing its prey.  Labour pains got me staying up in the darkest hours of the night, travailing for the baby to be pushed out. Looking around me I see none but one midwife. Unequipped and inadequately trained she does her best to encourage me, ‘breathe jewel’ just keep breathing. Each contraction would have me screaming all kinds of pain. 

Connections have been and will continue to be the difference maker for us to find true freedom in our self-worth, networking our net worth, sleeping with predators and fighting demons to be set free from their mousetrap.

How so quickly we are to tweet a thought, instead-snap a moment, go live on Facebook, for the self-gratification of a  like, a follow a quick thrill. But never giving little time or thought of Elohim. It’s only Him; the only one who truly cares and wants the very best for us. But being blind would have us living a lie tapered in false glitter and Judas kisses. Do me a favour and look around you, everything you see in this life is meaningless.

On this journey I’ve found myself falling and have fallen from numerous towers, climbing cooperate ladders only to find myself back in the hands of masters who use their powers to reinforce their vision. Even the television, is selling their vision. Preying down on our insecurities and a false sense of security. Living this lie, with truth buried deep inside of me, us, and them.

Passing down knowledge undigested is like forcing out food from the rear when it hasn’t even been given the chance to flow through the stomach.

I’m in a place of uncertainty for the first time in a very long time. There are things I would like to share with you but right now, I am struggling myself to come to terms with the realities of the struggles I am currently experiencing. I keep on asking these questions on a daily basis. “Jewel, how long will you  remain fallen, bruised, broken and  scarred.

Everyday allowing myself to encounter some home truths.  Each time fear reappears its ugly head I have two choices to make. For as long as I continue to remain stagnant in any given situation I allow fear to win. Truth is when I am no longer afraid, then I will face up to the truth. Stepping up to the unknown, reapplying for the role that only I can play out in this lifetime. Allowing someone to see me again, and sharing all of my fragilities without the cover-up of my mask. Suddenly, it would appear that my eyes of understanding are finally peeling apart the glue that once held it shut together.

I can, I will and I am on my journey as so are you.